Stocks, Cocks, But Please No Glocks

As we enter the month of the Februa, questions flog my devilish mind like the whips of Lupercalia… Is a “short squeeze” a Wall Street ploy or self-pleasure…

As we enter the month of the Februa, questions flog my devilish mind like the whips of Lupercalia

Is a “short squeeze” a Wall Street ploy or self-pleasure technique? Who’s eating whom (#EatTheRich—now on special!)? How are ammosexual Proud Girls Margarine and Loony, blessed by the Swamp King, gaming Congress? What are the odds that Liz Warren will spank the QAnon Shaman as he testifies against Daddy Trump? Can a BJ stop a thief?

I pull down my mask to take a sip of sweet, rich café au lait, my bleary, sexologically-perverse eyes whipped awake by clickbait and stories galore that could be totally fake or as real as my coffee (with artificial sweeteners)—who knows?

Crimestopper BJ

Now here’s a very bonobo way to stop crime in real time (and I hope it’s not fake): In Bratislava, Slovakia, a 24-year-old man robbed a gas station and punched one of the workers who managed to call the police during the rampage. Meanwhile, an unidentified woman entered the station and, according to Noviny Sk, “began to satisfy the thief orally until the cops arrived.”

At first, the suspect resisted arrest; my guess is he hadn’t quite finished yet. By the time the cops had the thief in cuffs, she’d disappeared. All we know is she’s 36, a MILF, Cougar and a Slovakian sexual superhero. If they ever find her, they should give her a big reward for her “oral citizen’s arrest.”

That’s not to say she’s a role model, or that anyone can or should engage in this sort of superheroic oral outreach; it’s obviously a very specialized, rather risky calling, taking body-positive public service a step farther than the Naked Athena.

But how about incorporating the Bratislavian BJ Detention and De-escalation Technique into police reform? Sure, it’d be controversial, but theoretically you could hire sex workers (when sex work is decriminalized, of course) to perform the procedure, which is a lot less lethal than holding the suspect down with your knee on their neck.

Though they might experience the “little death,” at least it won’t be the big one.

Of course, that’s just my wild bonoboësque fantasy; it’ll never catch on in our Puritanical society, which is far more interested in censoring our sexuality and pretending to be *moral* than stopping real crime, let alone saying lives.

The good news is that serious sex-positive police reform is happening in Brooklyn where D.A. Eric Gonzalez just dismissed over 1000 bench warrants against sex workers, taking us one step closer to decriminalizing sex work. Advocates of the STOP Violence in the Sex Trades Act look to the ongoing legalization of recreational marijuana as a road map for how sex work can be decriminalized, so that our more everyday sexual superheroes can practice their trade in peace.

L.A. D.A. George Gascon, are you listening?

This coffee is delicious.

Da People vs. Wall Street

I take another rich sip and my eyes devour the news feed. “Eat the Rich” is on the menu at Reddit.

We told you Rich Dishes on my husband Max’s and my new podcast,“Fuck Da Rich (F.D.R.)”: It’s better to get fucked than eaten—unless by “eaten” you mean cunnilingus or a Bratislavian BJ (see above). But now Da People be eating Wall Street alive. And I’m not talking about Armie Hammer.

Apparently, Wall Street got its platinum panties in a twist over the Reddit kids on r/WallStreetBets beating the billionaires at their own game, buying stocks in GameStop, a little money-losing company that the hedge fund short sellers tried to tank for their own profit—until Reddit’s gambit caused about $17 billion in losses for these overfed-but-always-hungry sharks swimming freely through the roiling capitalist sea of human suffering.

Sounds good to me. Hey, whatever makes greedy, cheating billionaire Leon Cooperman cry—whether it’s about paying his “fair share” (according to Liz Warren’s “wealth tax”) or the Reddit Rebellion giving him and his fellow hedge funders a taste of their own bull-shit—puts a grin on my face.

Not that I really understand all this stock talk (see Thomas Knapp, Jack Rasmus or Dean Baker for far more informed views). When my dirty mind hears about a “bull market,” I can’t help but think of cuckolding. Call it a bunch of cuck and bull, if you will, but the “bull” in cuckoldry is the hot wife’s “other man,” often hailed for his bullish potency, compared to the cuckold who mainly watches and services the bull. So, is the Reddit Rebellion a Cuck Market Uprising?

Artist Ryan Dee has a more straightforward interpretation, his smiling poop emoji installation under the bronze Bull’s tail the ultimate caricature of Wall Street bullshit.

As for “short squeeze,” I now know it’s a rapid market-driven increase in the price of a stock, but it still sounds to me like a masturbation method. These guys certainly are stroking those stocks… or stonks.

Stonks just sound like they stink, which they kind of do. And how about “pump and dump”? It’s supposed to be illegal, but it appears to be the money shot.

In the center of the stonky storm is Robinhood, a free-trading investment firm named after the “Robin Hood” of medieval times, when “stocks” and “bonds” were used to imprison outlaws and the poor. The Robin Hood of legend, known for breaking out of stocks and bondage, took from the rich, represented by the tyrannical “Sheriff of Nottingham,” and gave to the poor.

This time-honored, quasi-socialistic image originally attracted many “little guys,” including the r/WallStreetBets bunch, to Robinhood, but when GameStop popped, the firm moved to protect their rich hedge fund investors, like Citadel Securities—Wall Street’s equivalent of the Sheriff of Nottingham—from their “poor” small investors’ surprisingly strong short squeeze. Is Robinhood robbing the hood to pay off the Sheriff?

That’s what it smells like, or you could say, these stonks stink.

Other companies also pulled this maneuver, permitting the sale but not purchase of GameStop stonks along with AMC and some others on the market. But Robinhood is the face of the scandal, and the face of Robinhood is its elfin CEO, “Vlad,” who looks like one of Robin’s Merry Men, or maybe Maid Marion.

Would Friar Tuck Tuck the Rich? Shouldn’t their PR flacks tuck in their bibs while they’re gorging themselves on the gourmet fruits of other people’s labor?

Better to just fuck the rich, and in this context that means, tax their asses—and their assets—and their hedge fund games. Hopefully, our Janet Yellin, America’s first female treasury secretary, will stand up for the people here. But don’t count on it; she’s made millions from hedge funds herself.

Obviously, the Wall Street scandal, Armie Hammer’s alleged cannibalism fetish (which he calls “bullshit”) and the QAnon crowd’s firm belief in child-chewing cannibal “elites” are not related… on the surface. Though it’s worth considering that #EatTheRich and just eating people(!) are trending topics for 2020 and barreling into 2021.

Whoever eats or gets eaten at the Beggars’ Banquet of 2021 (sadly, it looks like the “little guys” still aren’t get more than table scraps), the Reddit Rebellion/Cuck Market Uprising is a lot more appetizing than the Trump Riots.

Trumpty Dumplings

Just picturing the seditious, avaricious Swamp King slithering through the stinking, sinking Mar-A-Lago marshes with his fellow swamp creatures makes me throw up my café au lait a little. Fortunately, I have a tissue nearby.

Recently, the quintessential Sorest Loser bestowed his Power-of-Crazy-Thinking blessing upon Rape of the Capitolcheerinleading QAnon kook-a-bell, Marjorie Taylor Greene, a.k.a., Margarine Trumpster Gunslinger.

My coffee chills as I contemplate her toxic charm.

The kookiest part is Margarine’s not the only exhibitionistically ammosexual stick of oleo oozing through the House. Another one is Rape of the Capitol cheerleader and Shooters Grill owner Lauren Boebert. I call her Loony Beretta.

What’s with these young, sort of sexy, passionately crazy, gun-toting Trumpty Dumplings? Both are nuttier than a pack of Planters and more dangerous than those fun-guns they love more than I love dildos. What would Freud say? Are their gun-fetishizing fans secretly hoping to be pegged with those weapons?

Together, Margarine and Loony are the Proud Girls, at least as obnoxious as the Proud Boys, plus they’ve been elected by their Georgia and Colorado districts to the U.S. House of Representatives. Apparently, they are carrying on the “sexy crazy ammosexual” tradition once embodied by Sarah Palin, who hung out with horny guys in horns brandishing broadswords and firearms back in 2008 before it was cool.

Margarine’s blonde and Lunatic’s brunette, so if they get a redhead, they could be the Charlie’s Angels of Congress. Charlie would Trumpty himself, of course, who is, along with his spine-free house pet, Trumpublican Leader Kevin “Caved In” McCarthy (Q-CA), and various other Q-ish quislings in the House and out in the fields, keeping the Trump Virus alive… and morphing into more lethal strains.

As for a “principled” villain like Mitch The Bitch for the Rich, well, he’s very upset that Margarine and Loony are now the clown face of a Grand Old Party that he just wishes could go on quietly and politely stealing our money.

More titillating news in Trumpsylvania is that the QAnon Shaman, 2021’s most prominent horny guy in horns, wants to testify against Daddy Trump in the Impeachment Hearings. I just hope they’ll let him wear his horns. I also hope Elizabeth Warren gives him an OTK (over the knee) spanking as he testifies. Maybe that’s too much to hope. But Sally Mullins, Liz Warren’s SUZY-award-winning porn double, could spank the QAnon Shaman. I’m sure the real one would do it, as long as Craft Services is organic.

Harboring similar fantasies to mine, Senator Lindsey Graham has declared that the QAnon Shaman’s testimony would be a “circus.” I almost spit out my coffee just hearing Lady G, already a circus all by his tRump-hoop-jumping self, warn against that.

Into the middle of the circus rolls something to remind me that these clowns are seriously dangerous. New footage from a Capitol Police body cam shows tRump Rioter Rosanne Boylan unironically carrying a “Don’t Tread on Me” flag just before being lethally tread on by her fellow rioters as they tried to bludgeon some cops (who appear not to have been privy to the plot) on their way into the building. Even though Rosanne and I are on opposite ends of the political spectrum, I can’t help but shed a tear for this poor deluded woman, trampled to death by her own mob.

R.I.P. Rosanne Boylan. A lot of people translate R.I.P. to “Rest in Power” these crazy days. Are they hoping their dearly departed ones will join Machiavelli or Mussolini beyond the grave? Call me old-fashioned, or maybe crazy, but I prefer “Rest in Peace.” I’ll take stocks or cocks, but please, no glocks.

Enough news, truths and lies for now. Time to pull up my mask, whip up some Lupercalian treats and heat up that cold café.


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